


Happier

by 2Dsheep



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mostly Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23703850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Dsheep/pseuds/2Dsheep
Summary: A spontaneous trip to a second-hand bookstore that he most certainly doesn’t have time for has Erwin running into someone from his past.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 13
Kudos: 70





	Happier

Erwin doesn’t know why he's dragged himself to this broom cupboard of a bookstore. How many half-finished books does he have at home lining his shelves? For as many of those as he has, he has double that which have never been opened. He runs his fingers along the spines, glancing for a name he might recognise, perhaps a title too intriguing to ignore, but the letters may as well be scribbles for how his eyes just glide across them.

A hint of daylight falls upon him as he steps into the next aisle, penetrating the one dingy window at the front of the store. He thinks there might be another one at the back, but when he pokes his head around the shelf he sees that it’s been barricaded with books, allowing barely a hair-width’s stream of light to tickle the room. Though there isn’t much of it, the soft light skimming along the floor and playing with the dust has Erwin feeling uneasy. He can’t remember the last time he left work so early, but it must have been far too long as the few long hours of sunlight left waiting to see the day out hang over him like a weight on a fraying rope, and that can’t be a normal reaction. Perhaps he should do this more often. It was probably something he’d have to get used to before feeling the relief one would expect when getting the whole evening to themselves. Not that he knows when he’ll have the chance to do this again. There’s already lingering guilt that he’s not using his home study to put in the extra hours that were robbed from him due to necessary maintenance work in his office. He’d planned on doing just that, but he remembered a coworker’s suggestion of this place as he was leaving the office. Erwin can’t even remember telling her that he was keen on books, or used to be at least, and office small talk isn’t something he usually engages in. She was right though. It is a charming store, but his heart isn’t in it today. There are better things to be spending his time on.

Offering a small nod and an even smaller smile to the owner, hidden behind his wispy white hair and wire-framed glasses, Erwin pushes the door open and steps back onto the street, the bell ringing sharp behind him.

He’s never been to this part of the city. It isn’t really his scene, to call it something. He feels like a fish out of water and sure looks like it too, donning a suit that could pay a month’s rent in the city while surrounded by people who look like they got dressed in the dark. And yet, when he looks around he feels poor, as if he is the one that is missing something vital. There is a vibrancy in this area that he can’t quite grasp. Life seems to breathe out of the buildings, and the colours dare to pop out, exuding an energy he hasn’t felt in years. The people aren’t that much younger, if he can trust his estimations, but there’s youth in them that he doesn’t think he ever had, a freedom in the way they move and talk that eludes him.

Erwin looks back at the store and catches his reflection in the front window. For his surprise, one would think that he hasn’t looked in a mirror in well over a decade. Does he always frown like that? He looks tired, even more so than he feels in this moment, and his face has earned yet even more lines and shadow this year. It’s unfortunate but not a priority by any means. There'll be time in the future to deal with this if it ever affects his work performance.

The sun is warm against his skin but he doesn’t have much desire to soak in it. He should go home after all. It’ll only take him thirty minutes to get back, leaving him enough time to push out a few more reports before the morning. He might have to skip dinner to make up for this wasted detour, but that’s what coffee is for.

Fastening his suit jacket, Erwin makes to head back to where he parked his car, when something, someone, catches his eye, and he feels his breath turn into lead. The world around him blurs, and all he can focus on is a man across the street. His back is to Erwin, but he knows it’s him without a doubt; his hair is dark, alluringly so, and he still sports the same hairstyle, shaved short while long on top. The clothes he wears aren’t much different from his preferred style from a few years ago either, donning his trademark boots which make him perhaps an inch taller than he really is. He stops outside a bar, turning every so slightly, just enough that Erwin can see his face, eyes dark against his pale skin, features as sharp as he remembers.

Levi.

How long has it been now? It must have been three years since he watched him walk out of their apartment, without a single word from either of them. Erwin just watched, making no fight to keep him. And life lost all its spark.

Erwin would almost say that Levi hadn’t changed at all in the last few years were it not for the smile he wears, dimpling his cheeks. Had Levi ever smiled like that with him? He can’t remember. All he remembers are looks of anger, disappointment, a touch of sadness here and there that pang away at Erwin’s chest now in a way they haven't done before.

Someone brushes past him to get into the book store and the street snaps back into focus, the hustle and bustle rushing back into his ears, a lingering scent of coffee dancing about the air. It’s only then he realises he’s been staring. But he doesn’t stop. He can’t take his eyes off Levi until his attention is ripped away by another person leaning down to plant a kiss on Levi’s cheek, and Erwin’s lungs fail him.

It’s only a second or two, however, before Erwin is watching Levi once more, just in time to catch him shake his head, no doubt rolling his eyes as well. It was such a familiar gesture but then Levi grins, and though Erwin can’t hear it from here he can almost feel the laugh that erupts from him as the man whispers something in his ear.

Why hadn’t Erwin been able to make Levi laugh like that?

Erwin doesn’t think he’s ever seen Levi in such a carefree manner. No, he’s sure of it. But he doesn’t want it to be true and he thinks back to the very beginning, their eyes meeting across a bar. A slight pull on the lips. He focuses, chases that smile. A chuckle that barely escapes the throat when they share words shaking with heat. The image transforms and Levi’s biting his lips, a pitiful attempt to hold in a moan as Erwin pushes into him. Before he can even start to appreciate the image, never mind scold himself for letting his thoughts wander there, Levi’s mouth turns into a snarl, the look itself more devastating than the words to follow. Erwin doesn’t remember what he said back, or perhaps he won’t allow it to resurface.

The longer he observes, watching Levi give away smiles like he has too many to keep to himself, Erwin can only recall all the times he had instead stolen them from Levi. Cancelled reservations. Forgotten birthdays. An uncountable number of conversations cut off for things he considered more important.

Erwin doesn’t take his eyes off Levi, watching until the very last moment when he walks into the bar, the door falling shut behind him. The streets wilts, sound and colour draining to something Erwin would have considered more palatable to his tastes, but it just feels dull, lifeless. He shouldn’t have come here, but his legs have him stuck in place as his mind tries to chase a million thoughts while working at a crawl. He realises that he can’t put a face to the man Levi was with. The only thing he can recall is that his hair is auburn. Or was it red? Did he have hair at all?In his mind he tries to recreate the man’s image, as if it will help him understand this all better, as if it would be the key to what went wrong, but all he can see is Levi, picturing him so clearly it’s as if he has a photograph in his hand to remind himself of each of Levi’s features.

These last few years, Erwin hasn’t thought of Levi much. He hasn’t needed to, hasn’t let himself need to. There wasn’t time to be thinking about the past. But for the entire ride home, there’s nothing else on Erwin’s mind, Levi’s smile having burned its image like a scar across all this thoughts. He probably shouldn’t have driven, barely remembering how he got home when he pushes open his front door. Did he remember to lock the car? It should be fine.

His apartment is quiet, feeling more so than usual. He throws his keys onto the hallway cabinet, their clanking along the wood far too loud, and it has him stop. How many times had Levi asked him to hang them up? That’s what the hooks were there for, he’d always claim with a click of his tongue as he hung them himself.The keys feel heavy when Erwin picks them back up. He suspends them from their hook for perhaps the first time since moving in, and they give a sharp jangle that cuts through the air before the silence settles once more like a thick layer of dust.

Erwin kicks off his shoes and rushes towards his study, chucking his suit jacket onto his desk before he rifles through his drawers, pushing aside papers and files. There had to be something. Anything. Just one small reminder of Levi. He throws open his filing cabinet and flicks through all the papers though he’s confident enough in his organising skills that there really can’t be anything in there, but just maybe he can find a photo somewhere. Did they take any together? They must have, surely. As he continues to search, he becomes willing to settle for a receipt at a restaurant for a meal they shared together. Otherwise, what did their time together amount to?

He strides to his storage closet and pulls out the one box he has of things yet to sort, items spared from disposal owing to work keeping him busy for some time now. There are some gifts he’s never had any intention of using, some warranty receipts he intends to throw out as soon as they become useless. Half way through and there’s nothing. He can’t have thrown all of the photos away. Would he have done that? On that thought he stops elbow deep, forgotten and meaningless objects on the floor around him. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d thrown away something with sentimental value. He and Levi always had different attitudes towards that sort of thing, with Erwin eager to get rid of anything no longer practical and Levi clinging on to them for a million reasons that Erwin could never understand.He threw away something of Levi’s once and hadn’t recognised his devastation at the time, even when Levi’d assigned words to it, something so rare in itself that Erwin should have paid more attention. He searches his memories and remembers it was a box of ticket stubs. A collection of trash, Erwin thought at the time. It has taken him this long, taken his own desperate search for a reminder of the past to realise what it had meant to Levi.

They never should have been together. For years Erwin held onto him, keeping him caged. He’s spent all of these years not knowing how bright Levi could shine. The real Levi, the man he’s supposed to be, he’d seen for the first time today. What more should he have known about the man?

With little faith he continues to empty the box slowly, his enthusiasm abandoning him with each object he withdraws. When did he lose his sentimentality? He remembers as a child gathering seashells with his parents on holiday, and keeping them for years, with no intent on doing anything at all productive or creative. Briefly he wonders what happened to his seashells, but it’s hardly important now. The box lays empty, and Erwin is struck by some strange desire to crawl into it and seal it shut, perhaps to hide away from the bitter memories that surface in his mind, flickering in and out like an old film reel. But one by one, the flashes of anger, the suffocating silences, empty liquor bottles, all lose themselves to a warm light.

He recalls Levi’s bedhead in the morning, truly a sight to behold. There was something charming in how he never cared to fix it unless he was leaving the house. Erwin would joke he could tell that day’s luck depending which way it was pointing, and Levi would call him an idiot in return, but not without a small display of amusement.

Levi’s hands. They were so strong, their power almost terrifying considering their size, but Erwin had never known a touch so gentle. However, at times he’d also experience the necessary brutality they could perform when receiving one of Levi’s massages after spending far too many hours in his office chair.

Years must have passed since he’s thought about any of this, and he almost smiles at the memory, the Levi he remembers who was so fierce in his passions but in a way that didn’t consume him. The giddy feeling in his chest retreats as quickly as it came, giving way to shame as hot as coal. He’s sure that he didn’t give thought to this the last few months of their relationship either, perhaps even longer spent without any consideration for all the things he loved about Levi.

Erwin laughs. His chest feels hollow. He pinches the bridge of his nose, laughs again louder, and his head starts to clear. Levi is happy now. He’s found something Erwin hadn’t been able to give him, wasn’t willing to.

The silence in the apartment they once shared grates on him. Unease sinks into his bones. There are so many could-have-beens and what-ifs hanging about the air Erwin barely wants to breathe, and crawling into bed to sleep manages to make itself an inviting activity for the first time in who knows how long.


End file.
